The Shock of My Life at Almost Forty-Five!

My birthday is in a couple of days.  Yes, I know I've been off plan for a long time.  I can even admit that I just threw caution to the wind with this "Gonna start back soon." attitude I've been holding onto.  I was just waiting for things to calm back down, and they haven't.  The worst thing I've done is taking back up pop drinking.  I've been drinking at least 40 ounces of pop a day. I didn't even WANT to give it up.  I haven't had any today after what I will affectionately refer to as "Scalegate" this morning. I know the pop drinking is probably the biggest reason my cholesterol numbers were so horrifying as well.

The ONLY reason I went entirely off plan was due to a rash I've had since February 2014.  I could get rid of it, but it kept coming back. I went to an Urgent Care who diagnosed it as a fungal infection and started me on an oral antifungal with a topical.  It went away just in time for my sister's wedding, but it came back the day before! Then I had to wait for an appointment to get established with a new primary care provider.....long story short, I have now seen a dermatologist, but by the time I saw them, the rash was gone and we are now waiting to see if it pops back up with a promise to be worked into the day immediately for an accurate assessment.  I've had to promise not to treat it with anything prior.  I have a few bumps, but nothing that can be assessed. It can't be I guess until it really flares. Soooo, I originally just quit working out/exercising because it seemed to exacerbate the rash, but slowly and surely, the diet was ditched entirely too. So here I am AGAIN today. With this promise of getting me in pronto, I am going to begin exercising again. 

My husband bought me a video camera that I can use to document my journey for my birthday and gave it to me early to see if I could Figure it out so he could either exchange it or take it back before my birthday, so I decided to play with it this morning. Oh, the Freaking Horror!

I expected to have gained a Few pounds over the last Few months, but not THIS much!  I've never seen the scale so high.  I went to the doctor last month and it wasn't that bad.  I know my scale differs from their scale, but it goes down with weight loss and that is all I really care about.  I was still shocked.

Here is my First weigh-in video.  It's in the basement, so the lighting is horrible.  It's an old doctor's scale that is much too large to put anywhere up in the main living space.  I should probably just buy a new digital scale, but this still works. Bear with me as I learn how to operate it and learn how to edit the videos for sharing. One day, I'll even videotape myself and have a big reveal.  I just need to have a Few pep talks with myself about not caring whether or not people I know run across my blog or videos.

My daughter joined cheerleading for her high school.  I can't believe the prison I've been in since she has.  We've spent over a thousand dollars on her participation, and the time! Oh my word. It's horrible, and I truly can't believe they do this to kids.  I think she has an egomaniac for a coach, but I'm not allowed to say anything because she loves this.  I don't want to since she loves it so much and is so dedicated.

This woman insists people, and the girls, call her by a nickname I assume she had as a premarried teen herself, and she even wants them to refer to her by this nickname when she is serving as their teacher in the classroom.  To top it off, she is so in love with her maiden name, she named her baby this maiden name. Let go sister. Move on.  I wouldn't dare insist people call me the nickname they had for me in high school that was related to my maiden name like she is.  They still do, of course, whenever I run into someone, so why isn't that good enough for her? They've worked these girls until they've puked.  This past summer was the First summer I wasn't even able to drive 1.5 hours to visit my mother because the egomaniac held practices in the morning and training of some sort or another in the afternoon.  My daughter was only 14 and can't drive herself, so guess whose life it has taken over and dictated? Mine.

I wish upon her something like a mother's curse....i.e., I hope you have three to Five children, and you all enjoy sleeping in once in a while and no longer can or need to see a doctor but it conflicts with a stupid coach's schedule, and I wish you tons of stress lady. My favorite is that she had scheduled meets and practices on Freaking Christmas Break and snow days! To me, she is a sick puppy.

I worry about my daughter because on school days, she is getting up at 5:45 a.m. and going some days until 7:30 p.m. I'll support her as long as she is happy, but based on the Fact that the whole varsity team quit and the things she is sharing with me, I'm hoping this is a sign for her to choose either sideline or competitive and not both next year. I keep that to myself, however, because I want to be supportive of her.

She has told me this woman badmouths the people that "can't hack it" and quit to all of the other remaining girls.  How unprofessional, immature, and desperate of her.  I explained to my daughter that when one or more people have had enough and they walk off, they're making a statement and that this coach knows it. I explained that this coach is completely aware that this movement can spread like a virus and out of desperation is trying to bully the remaining girls psychologically into staying.  We'll see how it all pans out.  I'm not happy.

I guess this is another sacrifice-myself-for-my-children epiphany after typing this, huh?

Scratch that Week

I was so excited to restart watching my diet, and then I had 3 nephews join my 3 for some cousin Fun for Four days.

I actually Feel like I gained weight and have therefore not weighed myself.  What's the point when you KNOW there's no good news?

I know this wouldn't derail most Folks, but my Family had put Fun on the backburner all summer long to refinish the house for a party I hosted last week.  We haven't really had a summer vacation as a Family, so I Figured let's do some Fun stuff with the extended Family here and really make some memories.  So, that's precisely what we did, but that meant making huge batches of quick things to eat on the run for 8.  I had an assembly line most meals, and these teenage boys ate it as I made it, and if they wanted seconds, then I just kept going, and then we'd jump in the car and do something Fun.  The most "interesting" part was trying to ensure everyone got their teeth brushed and showered with one bathroom.

I won't bore you with what I Fixed, but think hoagies, pizza, etc. I did put salads on the table, and while the Fruits were slightly touched by the kids, the veggies were not.

We had a ball, and I don't regret it, but I wish I was a few pounds lighter a week sooner than starting over tomorrow.  I'll get there. I'm determined to.

One thing I noticed in all this chaos is that my husband took off to go jogging a couple of times.  Isn't that nice how they get to do that?  Why can't I do that?  I don't know.  It started me thinking that while I hate working out in public amongst others and in public gyms, maybe I need to bite the bullet and my hangups about it and just do that.  I can't seem to make that time with all the other demands put upon me. He just takes the time.  I do have to say that if things aren't just so, like the dishes done or the house too messy, I have to hear him sighing.  Don't get me wrong, he's a great husband who does housework, but I have this problem of detecting his Frustrations via those sighs and Feeling badly that he's Frustrated at all, which prevents me from taking that time for myself.

Update and Twenty FOURTEEN is coming!

I've had a few bad months.   I know it all sounds like one giant excuse, but whatevs.  Don't really care what anybody else thinks.

My hot flashes were cured by the antidepressant the doctor prescribed me.   In the beginning I was flying high, like literally.  I didn't like it, but hubby talked me into sticking it out to see if it normalized in my system.  The high feeling left, but I was still pretty hyper, which was nothing to complain about, just a noticeable difference.

Suddenly, a couple of months in, I crashed.  Literally.  It was like I was just shy of a medicated coma.  I could literally sleep 12 hours a day after sleeping 6 hours through the night. 

Yes, my sleep had improved, as did my back, with no more rolling around, but I couldn't stay awake.

I thought I'd take a stab at halving the dose, but the same thing happened.  I would immediately begin yawning incessantly after about 20 minutes of taking it.  The up side to the half dose was that I slept less.  I tried moving the dosage to bedtime, but I was up all night.  I can't figure that one out.  It's twisted really.

I could be standing in the shower and get an uncontrollable urge to just close my eyes, and once I did so, it was scary, as I felt that I could literally crumple down into a ball of sleep right where I stood. 

Then I decided I'd skip a day, my thinking being that I'd only sleep every other day away. 

Then I spaced it out to every 3 days.  Then the severe hip pain kicked in.  I could hardly walk and I barely made it through Christmas shopping having to stop frequently and give up about an hour in. 

I looked it up and, holy cow!  The problems people have had coming off of this medication are literally frightening, and it includes severe hip pain and weight gain.  I've gained 10 pounds from all the sleeping. Forget about eating altogether.  I drank a lot of sugary caffeinated drinks to try to combat the drowsiness, but nothing worked. 

I didn't realize the half-life of this stuff was so short, so I was essentially weaning myself off of it by playing with the dosage and spacing it out.  Every 3 days I reintroduced it to my brain and my brain didn't like it when it wore off.  I'm thankful I didn't have the electrical brain zaps and symptoms of stroke that others spoke of, but I'm done with this mess. It's not worth it.

I've been completely off for a week and the hip pain is completely gone.  I'm starting to have the Flashes again and difficulty sleeping, but what would you choose?  Medicated coma/narcolepsy, or severe hot flashes?  Pick one! Sigh.

It's winter, so the Flashes aren't as bad.  <Knocking on wood!>

The New Year is approaching, and I'm trying to remain optimistic despite my setbacks.  I don't really like resolutions because I obviously made becoming Flabuless a goal prior, but January 1st is a great start-over date regardless, dontchya think?